Hey! Remember That Time?
An Ode To My Brother For Father’s Day
For Mother’s Day this year (yes, my Father’s Day Post is opening with a Mother’s Day memory), my brother made me a custom song that started out funny and snarky, and turned out to be incredibly heartfelt and emotional.
He really caught me off guard and I loved everything about the song. I know he put a lot of time into it and it turned out better than I could’ve ever imagined.
When it came time for Father’s Day (back on track), I knew I wanted to do something special for him.
So here we are.
This Father’s Day, I’m sharing some of my favorite memories with my big brother, Troy.
Disclaimer: Now that we are both responsible adults, and there is a chance our children will read this, I have respectfully edited out or suggestively downplayed certain scenarios.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Hey! Remember that time you sprayed hairspray in my eyes?
In all honesty, I don’t actually remember that happening. I had to call Mom to verify who was the lucky recipient of hairspray to the eyes. She confirmed that you did, indeed, take me into our home salon and spray hairspray in my eyes and that she had to hold my head sideways under the sink to rinse my eyes out.
She also reminded me of another instance that occurred in that same home salon…
Hey! Remember the time you gave me a “fake” haircut with thinning scissors?
Our parents had their friends over and the kids were sent off to play. Naturally, you led us back to the hair salon (Real question: how did you end up avoiding your God-given instincts to become a hairstylist?). You had me sit in the chair to be your dummy so you could show the Adrianse sisters the magic of thinning shears.
“Look!” you exclaimed while chopping away, “I’m cutting, but no hair is coming off!”
Were they impressed? Hard to say.
You know who was impressed? Mom.
Wait. Impressed is the wrong word. I think I meant to say shocked… followed by pissed.
Later that night, she was shocked when she brushed through my hair and it came out in clumps. And then she was pissed that she had to give me a haircut that was much too edgy for the climate of our conservative, Midwestern town at that time.
Hey! Remember the time Dad got us matching mallard pencil sharpeners from the convenience store at the marina?
As we were walking along the docks back to the boat, you convinced me that my pencil sharpener could float just like a duck. I was excited to see my little mallard bob along on the surface of the water, and I delightfully tossed him in with a giant smile. I then watched in horror as my pencil sharpener disappeared into its watery graveyard.
Your punk ass laughed that I would be dumb enough to believe you.
I ran straight to Dad and told him what you had done.
I think you added another check to your “Reasons I hate my sister” list as Dad made you hand over your pencil sharpener to me.
Speaking of ducks…
Hey! Remember the time we lured a duck into the house?
You and your dumbass friend, Marc, had used breadcrumbs to coax a duck into the garage. I got in on the action when you decided to see if you could get the duck to come all the way into the house.
As the duck waddled up the stairs and into the mudroom, one of you, clearly still lacking frontal cortex development, had the brilliant idea to shut the door. Mr. Quackers launched into a full-on panic attack, flying through the house and shitting into the open air with every flap of his wings.
When he finally slammed into the slider door and fell to the floor below, you inched open the door and scooted him out with your foot. And then the three of us stood there in complete disbelief as we surveyed the scene.
There was duck shit everywhere. EVERYWHERE!
I momentarily considered running away from home while watching wet, white streaks of excrement dribble down the side of Mom’s newly upholstered armchair.
I still can’t believe she never knew that happened… until years later, of course.
Hey! Remember the time I was finally allowed to jump on the trampoline after recovering from a sprained ankle?
We were having so much fun! I was jumping over your legs as you swung them from side to side. And then suddenly, in a split second of bad timing, your swinging leg caught the edge of my freshly healed ankle.
My recovery period started over that day.
Speaking of trampolines…
Hey! Remember the time I was sitting on the edge of the trampoline, and you were pushing me backwards and catching me right before I fell to the ground?
That was hilarious – until the last push that you missed, and I fell to the ground.
Hey! Remember the time we caught the fish in the creek behind our house and decided to feed it pebbles?
RIP Freddy Finster.
Hey! Remember the time I went into your room when you weren’t home so I could play with your softshell turtle?
I didn’t mean to get distracted and walk away while he was still out of the water. When we finally found the turtle, its soft shell had dried out and flipped up around the edges, making it look like a little walking ashtray.
I still feel bad about that.
Speaking of your pets…
Hey! Remember the time I went to play with your pet hamster while you weren’t home?
That hamster never liked me. But that day, he was super chill and let me pick him up without a fight. After a few delightful moments of stroking his fur, I came to a horrifying realization - it was dead.
I gave it a few more pets and then put it back in the cage and acted as if I had never been there.
If this is the first time you are hearing the story, I’m very sorry.
Hey! Remember the time you thew a Pop-It at Dad during a family road trip?
You thought it would be funny to see if it would pop on Dad.
Dad, who had decided to use that trip as an attempt to quit cold turkey from smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, was not pleased when the Pop-It did, in fact, pop on his white shirt.
I think that was the day we all asked Dad to start smoking again.
Hey! Remember the time you almost killed me while pulling me on a sled behind your moped?
I do.
Also…
Hey! Remember the time you almost killed me while pulling me on a tube behind the Sea-Doo?
My life played in slow-mo.
Hey! Remember the time you had to deep clean a bathroom rug after a house party you threw while mom and dad were out of town?
Mom didn’t remember her rug being so fluffy.
You said you didn’t notice a difference.
Hey! Remember the time I got you “Log” for Christmas?
Honestly, it was more of a gift to myself to see the look on your face when you opened up a perfectly wrapped and curiously heavy package to find a piece of firewood adorned with a homemade tag.
I don’t even remember what I got you for your real gift that year.
And it brings me so much joy that, to this day, we can both still sing that jingle.
Hey! Remember the time you needed me to pick you and your friends up after a Summer Celebration concert?
You had gone to see some 80s rock band and called me after the show to ask for a ride. I pulled up in my teeny, fast-and-furious-looking Mitsubishi Eclipse to find you and three of your full-grown man friends standing on the corner in fake wigs, ripped T-shirts, and tight pants.
You guys folded into my car like little kids hiding in a cupboard - knees parallel with ears. And then you made me take you to the Taco Bell drive-thru.
In hindsight, you probably don’t remember this story.
Speaking of the summer celebration…
Hey! Remember the time we lost my boyfriend after a concert?
Moving on.
Hey! Remember the time we went to see Super Troopers?
That’s all I’m going to say about this one.
Hey! Remember the time you came to visit me at MSU for Halloween?
Your costume called for skinny jeans, so you grabbed a pair of my jeans (that were from Abercrombie KIDS).
As much as I hated to admit it, they looked better on you than they did on me.
When we left my apartment, you got about halfway down the front steps and turned around and said, “Nope. I wanna be able to have kids someday,” and went back in to change.
Speaking of MSU…
Hey! Remember the time you came to visit me for my 21st birthday?
I think that’s all I’ll say about this one too 🤣
Hey! Remember the time we had to call Mom to pick us up after the Coast Guard Festival?
Getting a phone call in the middle of the night from her college-aged kids was not on her Bingo card that night.
It’s still hard to believe that our cheerful spirits were not able to turn her frown upside down.
Our apologies were probably not accepted in that moment.
I’ll try again: Sorry Mom!
Hey! Remember the time you and Betsy announced that you were pregnant with your first child?
About two weeks later, we walked into your house with Charley wearing a “Big Brother” T-shirt to announce that we were also pregnant.
You looked at me and said: “Really? Would it kill you to at least let me have the spotlight just once?”
Hey! Remember the time everyone was at my house for a holiday and you asked me for a coffee filter?
When I handed you the bag, you read the outside and said: “Oh look - it’s bleached.”
And then we said the next sentence in unison, much to the shock and dismay of Mom and Betsy.
Hey! Remember the time you were playing medicine man out by the fire?
Dad had not been properly medicated when he came outside to join us.
In true Dad fashion, he began to read a politically-charged news article from his phone. You and Betsy did your best to follow along. I was not capable of listening respectfully.
I think he’s still a little mad about that.
Hey! Remember the time you called me on Mother’s Day and told me to get on FaceTime while listening to a song you made?
I assumed it was going to be another one of those songs where you turned an everyday text thread into an angry emo song.
I was very wrong.
That song was the best gift! I love it so much.
Thank you.
And I also love our friendship. A five-year age gap could have been enough to create a divide. But it didn’t. And I’m so thankful for that.
You have always been a great brother and now it’s so amazing to see how you have grown into an incredible husband and father.
People are better for knowing you.
Your children are lucky to have you as their dad.
Thanks for being you.
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